How to fix your cofounder relationship in 3 simple, difficult steps
Welcome Entrepreneurs, to our biweekly reflection on the nuances of startup leadership. I'm so glad you're here.
Last issue explored one of the most powerful frameworks for change, Perceptual Control Theory, which allows you to shift major aspects of your life and business without trying so hard. Highly suggest checking it out.
For those of you with challenging cofounder relationships, this issue is important.
When your relationship with your cofounder stops working, it usually stalls/kills your company. The stakes are high, but there is a straightforward process to fixing even the most challenging relationships.
If you're brave enough to do it.
Cruft (n: badly designed, unnecessarily complicated, or unwanted code or software) is a term usually reserved for computer science. But it’s every bit as relevant – and harmful – to relationships. In either case, build up enough cruft and things stop working.
In any relationship, cruft is created with everything left unsaid. Not just the big things (although those create proportional cruft), but even, and sometimes especially, the small things. Every “yeah it’s fine,” when it really isn’t. Every time you feel hurt, or let down, and choose to just bury it and move on. Every time you disagree but don’t voice it. No big deal, you think. Pick your battles. Sometimes you have to. And thus is cruft created.
Over time this cruft builds up like gunk in the pipe of your communication, forcing all conversations to flow through an ever narrowing space. Your conversations fall into the Rut, as they artfully and nearly subconsciously learn to avoid touching the cruft. You talk about the weather, your sales process, whatever. No matter the topic, the undercurrent of the conversation is always the same: what you’re really talking about is the fact that your colleague doesn’t think you listen, and that you don’t trust their judgment. People can spend years in the Rut. Talking every day, but communicating less and less, as there’s smaller and smaller space around all the cruft.
So how do you clean up this cruft? How do you create space in the pipe for honest, open communication within the context of a relationship that has little space for it?
The Clearing Conversation: Addressing Unresolved Issues
A clearing conversation is a conversation specifically designed to address cruft that has built up in a relationship, deal with it, clean it up, and create space for authentic communication to happen. It’s straightforward, and if done correctly it works consistently. But it’s not easy. Many people will decide they can’t do it. That’s ok. Those people will need to tapdance ever more skillfully around constricted, cruft-filled relationships until they finally either misstep and cause a blowup, or give up the relationship entirely (the latter often done for logical “reasons” that escape memory after the fact).
For those brave souls who are committed to having workable relationships, here’s how it works:
Step 1: Observe what’s true for you
The first step in a clearing conversation is to state what’s true for you as plainly as you can. You want to do this strictly as an objective observation, without any trace of blame. A great way to do this effectively is to “speak inarguably.” You do this by avoiding claiming anything outside of your own experience. Instead of “you have been mean,” say “I’ve been feeling hurt.” No way to argue with you reporting your feelings.
For example, with a cofounder whose department is underperforming, you might say, “I’ve noticed that we’ve missed the last few deadlines.” Facts, no emotion, nothing to argue with.
Mentioning what has over time become unmentionable without flinching disrupts the normal communication rut from the jump, and sets the stage that this conversation will be different.
Step 2a: Taking 100% Responsibility: Acknowledging Your Role
The second step is to claim responsibility for the issue. The whole issue. Those parts of it that couldn’t possibly be your responsibility, the ones that must be theirs, claim those, too.
When working with clients I’ve found that this part can be a stumbling block. It’s logical and rational to think that part of the issue is yours, and part is theirs. You can argue about which parts, but it can’t possibly be completely on you, right? I empathize with this line of thought, but it’s also worth recognizing that that very same logical line of thought has produced your current results, so it might be worth exploring another. I encourage you to adopt the frame that the issue is 100% your responsibility not because it’s true, but because it’s useful if what you want is an effective relationship.
But what if it really doesn’t seem like the issue is your responsibility? What if it really and truly seems like it’s theirs?
Good question. The good folks at Conscious Leadership Group have put together a fun (and confronting) exercise for this purpose, called “Teaching your drama class.” The essence of the exercise is to write a lesson plan, which you will teach to a local University, on the specific recipe that would reliably create the person that you have an issue with. It’s fun, and also not fun. So for example, if a student wanted to create a partner who chronically underperforms just like the one that keeps you up at night, you need to show them the specific things that you’ve done or not done to create that person. They might make sure that they never give their partner any direct feedback, they avoid setting firm expectations, and that they complain about how their partner is failing behind their back, and never to their face. Do all of those things consistently, and chances are you can create your own underperforming partner, too!
Claiming responsibility for the entirety of the issue does two things: First, like B-Rabbit in the final battle on 8-Mile, it completely disarms the other person and dissolves any defensiveness (which would otherwise derail the conversation back into the Rut), and second, by claiming responsibility for the issue, you also claim the right to cause its solution.
So for example, after some excavating via the drama class exercise, you might tell your partner: “I recognize that I’ve made sure that you couldn’t hit your deadlines by not clearly stating expectations initially, and changing course multiple times midstream. I also see that I have repeatedly missed our 1on1s, and never told you directly what wasn’t working for me, and that without that feedback of course you couldn’t change because you didn’t know anything was wrong.”
This is the hardest step of the process. It’s also the most vital. Make sure to go deep and think of everything you did to create the situation; like a RIF, it’s better to go deep the first time than have to do it twice. After helping clients conduct many dozens of these conversations over the years, I’ve found that if you can do this step without feeling some emotion, you’re probably not actually doing it. When you really see how you’ve created the issue, you will most likely feel strong emotions like shame and sadness.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t pretend. If you have a complicated, cruft-filled relationship, it’s highly likely that the other person’s bullshit detector will be active throughout your conversation. So while you want to claim everything, don’t pretend. If you honestly can’t see how your actions caused all of it, then keep looking until you can, and only have this conversation when you can claim 100% responsibility honestly.
Step 2b: Acknowledge the impact on the other person
By now you’ll probably notice that the other person is listening intently. Sometimes they’ll even have jumped in by now to claim some responsibility themselves, and other times they’ll be nodding like “yep, bout time you owned up.” Either way is ok. You’re almost through the hard part.
Next, you must acknowledge the impact that your actions had on the other person. Like step 2a, it’s better to overstate the impact than understate it, because if you leave something out, it stays as cruft in the relationship. This is your opportunity, and responsibility, to say everything.
So own the impact that your actions have had on the other person. And then, apologize.
“My failings as a CEO and partner to you made it really hard for you to succeed in your role, and prevented us from having a productive relationship. I’m sorry.”
Step 3: Commit to acting differently in service of something that matters
You’ve done the hard work. You’ve cleared the cruft, and created a space for open communication where before there was none. In the midst of the conversation you probably felt a bit raw, as did your counterpart. The band-aid was ripped off, and now the wound is free to heal.
However, if you stop here you’ll simply fall into old patterns and eventually, back into the Rut.
The last step is to remind each of you of what you’re jointly committed to creating together, and then, from your stance of 100% responsibility, to make a personal commitment to acting differently to create it. The past having been addressed, this points the relationship toward the future you want to create together. Importantly, your commitment must meet two criteria: one, make sure your commitment will lead to different and preferable results, and two, don’t commit to something you can’t control, or won’t do.
“I know we’re both committed to the possibility of creating an amazing company. That won’t happen if we don’t change this dynamic. So, I commit to providing direct feedback on a monthly basis, including a biweekly 1on1 that I will make a priority. I commit to involving you in any changes of direction that impact your department, so that you can own the outcomes you’re building toward. And by me doing those things I think we can set our relationship up for success, and build an amazing company.”
At this point, if the other person hasn’t been interjecting throughout, it’s now appropriate to open the floor to the other person to add their thoughts, and continue a new conversation about where you want to take your relationship, unencumbered by cruft. You’ve just done very hard, important work, and created a space to build something new.
Just remember this process the next time you think about withholding something from your partner. Cleaning up cruft as you go by simply speaking your truth is way easier than doing another clearing conversation.
Things I read this week
One: In Defense of Radical Self-Betterment (Every)
One more piece in the streak of tactical, useful, pieces to help those engaging in the process of consciously changing themselves. With this, plus last week's issue (linked above) you can't say you don't know how to change...
LINK >>
Two: Whispersync
I've introduced Whispersync to a few people in the last two weeks, in each case changing the way, and the pace at which, they read. If you are a reader, Whispersync (the method through which Amazon integrates Kindle and Audible), can change your life.
LINK >>
Three: Billionaires, Surplus, and Replaceability (Astral Codex Ten)
Without picking a side, I found it incredibly interesting to see this died-in-the-wool libertarian making a case against billionaires, just to see if he could. Charlie Munger said he never holds an opinion unless he knows the other side's better than they do; respect to Scott for going there. Would be interested in reader's takes on this as well.
LINK >>
Four: How to make tough decisions (Mochary)
This is just a really cool framework for making hard decisions. TL/DR: separate the decision from the implementation of the decision for more objective, accurate, decisions.
LINK >>
Five: As I lay Dying (Ted Rheingold)
A picture of a skull hangs in my office, to remind me that I will die. I find it helps to properly contextualize things. A friend of a friend died of cancer five years ago, in his forties. Here is what he wrote about careers, family, and the art of living, from his literal deathbed. May it provide context to you as well.
LINK >>
Want to dive deeper?
If you liked this, check out this list of my top posts, read and shared by thousands of entrepreneurs.
Here are a few of my favorites:
Executive Coaching for Entrepreneurs
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I’m an executive coach and the founder of Inside-Out Leadership, a boutique leadership development agency supporting founders to rapidly scale themselves as leaders, so they can thrive professionally and personally as their company changes the world. Leveraging 15-years as a founder/CEO, along with deep training in mindfulness, psychology, Neurolinguistic Programming, psychedelic integration and more, I have helped leaders from some of the fastest growing companies and VC funds in the world design a more conscious life and make key changes to improve their performance and satisfaction.
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Focused on the person, not the role.
Focused on results, without the fluff.
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