Paying attention

I've been on a lifelong chase for happiness, and until recently defined that as the feeling that I'd get from a peak experience. But I've chased and attained enough peak experiences at this point to have thoroughly convinced myself that none of them will ever match up to my expectations. I've put myself through hell for the chase, in business, relationships, sports, all of it. And while chasing something unquestionably serves as fuel to drive me to push harder, always harder, and achieve things that people respect and admire, attaining that thing at the end universally feels like a let down.

I can no longer convince myself that attaining that next gold star will bring me lasting happiness. I see the machinery working behind the scenes in my mind, and I know how to play the record all the way to the end. Everything around me, everything that is America with a capital A, tells me I should want that next thing, but I mostly don't much care.

These days I'm finding that happiness comes from paying attention.

Learning to pay singular attention to the entirety of the present moment (all six senses: sight, hearing, taste, touch, smell, and thought), through consistent practice for going on 5 years now, has unlocked a different type of happiness for me, one I didn't even know I wanted, as caught up as I have been in the chase. A contentment, awe and gratitude that is accessible at any time and maintainable for sometimes hours.

The paradox is that there is only one sure way I've found to lose that contentment, and that's by chasing it. Trying to pay attention in order to see something profound is a sure way to lose the thread. In fact, trying to get anywhere or become anything is the opposite to actually being where you are, and paying attention. The only way to really do that, totally, is to stop doing anything and simply observe.

Much of my life has been living my perception of the American ideal. Work your ass off, sacrifice the present for the future, take risks, make money and buy stuff, and reap the rewards in a stockpile of unique and impressive experiences. A war chest of memories and stories. I played that game for a long time, and have quite the collection.

But it wasn't until I stopped chasing that I finally realized the profound, awesome beauty of the random tree on the side of the road.